A Good Soldier: Surviving My Mother’s Life and Death

By Ally Golden | Jun. 19, 2017

 

I was eight years old the first time my mother threatened to kill herself.

Born to loving parents and growing up in an idyllic Maryland suburb outside Washington D.C., I had a solid start in life. But within a few years, my home life began to unravel. In addition to depression, my mother experienced borderline personality disorder (BPD)—a disease marked by emotional instability and dysfunctional relationships—and prescription drug addiction.

My mother experienced abuse as a child, which increased the likelihood that she would develop BPD. Living with a psychiatric illness that’s notoriously difficult to treat, my mother’s condition declined despite being in therapy over the whole of my childhood.

Since we didn’t have many friends or family members around, I had no choice but to rely on my mother’s contradictory parenting. People who experience BPD are known for “splitting,” or seeing things and people in black and white terms—I was either all good or all bad. My mother did this to me all my life, and when compared with my brother she was more likely to split me as “bad,” but I lived for the “good” moments.

She alternated between worshipping and loathing me, fiercely protecting me in public and then verbally abusing me in private, holding onto me tightly and then pushing me away. My adolescence was punctuated by endless groundings for infractions real and imagined, humiliating scenes at the doctor’s and the grocery store, and the repeated mantra that I was “rude and abusive.” 

Despite all this, my mother was everything to me, and I panicked at the thought of losing or disappointing her. My life was a game of control, and as long as my mother was alive, I was winning.

Mental Illness Isn’t Black and White

My mother’s illness had turned me into an adult well before my time; by the time I graduated college, I felt like I was 100 years old. The year my grandmother (her mother) died, and she finally divorced my father, my mother began a backward slide from which she would never recover. Every time I would return to my childhood home, which had been meticulously clean when I was young, I found it cluttered beyond recognition—evidence of my mother’s deterioration. Her crying episodes and suicide threats increased in frequency and intensity and caused me unbelievable pain and anxiety. 

Some of the incidents from my twenties are burned in my brain: the time I left a dozen panicked messages on her machine convinced she was dead, only to find out later that she was sitting next to the phone, reveling in the reaction she'd caused by disappearing; the time I made a list of her insults from one conversation that spanned two typed pages; the time I came home from work and found 20 moving boxes filled with her belongings on my front lawn; the time she called to tell me she had “accidentally” overdosed on pills.

After I got married, I stepped up my endeavors to secure help for her. I packed up her house and moved her to Providence, RI, where there was a world-class treatment program for BPD. Unfortunately, she didn’t complete the program and moved back to Maryland against medical advice. 

There, I continued to fight with social services caseworkers, group therapy programs and Social Security resources to get my mother the help she needed. But one day, I realized that my efforts would never be effective because my mother was not—and would never be—motivated to get better. One day, all my hope that she could be a real mother to me again, someday, was gone.

And while I considered this truth, something monumental happened: I got pregnant. And it just solidified the fact that I had sacrificed my own emotional well-being for years, but I couldn’t do that to my baby. I told her that I didn’t want to speak to her until she re-enrolled in therapy and a counselor could confirm that she was making progress. After 30 years of fearing my mother would leave me, I left her.

Accepting Her Suicide

A tremendous sense of guilt and accountability for my mother’s life had kept me from making such a decision earlier, and it wasn’t easy. I worried about her every day. We did exchange a few cards and letters. But then one crisp, fall morning, my mother went out into the woods near her apartment complex and ended her life. 

Through all the hospitalizations, all the times my family and I sent the police to her house in the middle of the night, all the times she did or said something that I'd add to the collection of wounds from my childhood, all I ever wanted was for my mother to be out of pain. 

I hope that wherever she is, she has finally found some peace. I hope that some part of her knew that I would have done anything to help her, and how hurt and sad and frustrated I was when I couldn’t help her turn things around.

When a loved one struggles with mental illness, it isn’t black and white, and there isn’t one way to think or feel about it. The only thing we survivors can do is make an effort to conduct our lives in a healthy way, and share our experiences so others know they’re not alone.

 

Ally Golden is the author of the new survivor memoir, A Good Soldier. A passionate advocate for those coping with the mental illness or suicide of a loved one, Golden lives in Chicago with her husband and two children.

Comments
Maria
I have bpd and feel im in hell. I dont know from one minute to the next what my mood will ne like. I also have depression; cyclothmia, anxiety and am addicted to drugs. I have three kids. One at uni and who doesnt bother with me. A lad of 25 who is supportive and a girl of 13 who is also very supportive. I feel like a freak and unworthy. I dont want to mess my kids heads up with my mood swings as i dont want them to end up suffering with mental illness. I have overdosed about 30 times; i have liver damage and have has seizures and frightening hallucinations. Iv also lost everything. Im coming to the conclusion that my kids will be better off without me. Will be kinder in the long run.plus im in total misery and never seem to get a break or any good luck. Im seriously now thinking of ending my life. Iv just had enough of this constant misery and self destruction and dont want my actions to affect my kids. My 18 year old is already embarrassed by me and hates me. She wont contact me or answer her phone. But i am seriously thinking this is my best option and next time i need to make sure it works.
12/11/2017 1:31:04 AM

Christa Biber
heart wrenching stories. Alas, I am not alone. But alone- all those growing up years. I was cared for in postwar Berlin, which was hell, I am sure for my mother. I never went really hungry for food- but so hungry for many other things. I am now nearly 80 I am realistic ,but not a" bitter old woman"-sigh. Life.
12/1/2017 5:31:36 PM

Christina
My mom was also extremely mentally ill, she was schizophrenic and bipolar, her first brake down happened when I was 10 years old. As the youngest of three girls, I was my mom's mom. I witnessed her get her dad's service revolver out and sickle, for cutting wheat, waiting for my sister's to get home from school so she could hand over the gun over to my sister, only to have my sister's tell at me for not calling for help, really?? Well we were just kids. Anyway, my mom died at age 75 after being a ward of the state and finally getting the proper diagnosis and treatment.
11/27/2017 9:57:49 PM

Susie
I enjoy this article my mom suffered from bpd all her adult life and maybe as a teenager
11/22/2017 2:08:32 PM

Nicole D
Ally, as I read the words on my screen, it was as if I was reading my own story - beginning at eight and continuing through my 20's. The difference in our stories is that my BPD mother attempted suicide upwards of 100 times, nearly all of them with me as an unwilling witness/rescuer, and she was never successful. Thank you so much for sharing the details of your experience - including how her once meticulously clean house had devolved into clutter. It's always so interesting to me how each person's experience is so painfully unique, but then there are hallmarks of BPD that make them eerily similar. I hope that you have triumphed in healing!
6/28/2017 12:18:51 AM

Christa Biber
Very sad stories-and I can relate to all.when I relate my life and its events, my making it to adulthood-and beyond. Is that a testament of your strength ? The sadness however is a constant-and overshadows all .
6/27/2017 8:59:45 PM

Ally Golden
I just wanted to thank everyone for your comments. I'm sorry that so many of you guys are affected by BPD family members and your support and understanding means so much to me.
6/25/2017 9:21:19 AM

Brenda Pistani
Ally, thank you for sharing such a heartbreaking story...you certainly did all that you could for your mother. I have a daughter with BPD and many of your mother's issues, especially the splitting, abuse and the seeming inability to complete treatment. I pray that your mom is at peace and that you are also.
6/21/2017 7:24:29 AM

Carol Ward
So sad. A tragedy that your Mom suffered without adequate treatment and that you bore so much of the brunt of her illness. Pls don't ever blame yourself; you did more for her than anyone. And you are a wonderful caring young woman and deserve the best life you can have, too. Awesome you are married with two children. Thx for sharing your poignant story. God bless you.
6/21/2017 6:42:46 AM

Lizanne Corbit
Thank you for sharing this deeply moving piece. I think reads like this are so important to share because there is so much truth here, and it's on a subject that so few really discuss. Having a parent with a mental illness is so far from being black and white, one can never really fully understand the experience unless they're in it, but posts like these can help to increase the understanding, and hopefully the support.
6/20/2017 4:27:05 PM

Judith L. Johnson
I know this mother figure personally--my mother.
6/20/2017 3:32:01 PM

Alena
BPD is so hard to combat when you are the victim of the sufferer, who is a victim themselves. I survived a BPD mother, and my brother has been adversely affected by the disorder as well. Both are estranged from the family. It saddens me to know that BPD has robbed generations of my family, but I am happy to have disrupted that cycle myself. Thank you for sharing your story and shedding some light.
6/19/2017 11:39:27 PM

DeWanda
I just cant believe my mom does tbis to me just up down back & fourth on off over & over & I cant tell all the times Ive recognized wow these people have no clue they have been out lashed verbal fowl disgusting nasty stories & all I can say is she abused me every way Ive never harmed her in any way except birth We almost died I have visible scars dry breach birth & I was big she very short n thin & she waited to get to the hospital after her water broke. Ok she despised me because of her own downside Im mo ing on Toxzy is my birthday 53 we took my new grandsonto see him & she cared less baby was there she was critically mean wi kedly killed it for me Ive forgiven but this time samd as ykh I had my grown children &, grandbaby & Im pretty sensitive lately I just willed myself to care less if she goes to heaven or hell I never deserved her abuse sick or not especially sexual physical psychological verbally pounded me & its over today. Im prayi.g for all that dont know ykur banging your head against a board to hard to bend to blunt to care & its not okay yiu se dont deserve the damage on our life as it is effecting in a negitive way. Break the chains let it go I am positive she damed sure does not deserve me. .
6/19/2017 9:46:12 PM

Alicia
Thank you so much for sharing your story, I'm sure it wasn't easy. My mother has symptoms of bpd but unsure her actual diagnosis. I however have bpd and can't even imagine raising children when I've been at my worst. I'm so sorry that she wasn't able to seek and stick with the help offered. I wish you peace and happiness through the rest of your life <3
6/19/2017 4:39:20 PM

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