“How are you?Really?” This is my mom’s standardline of questioning any time I dye my hair darker. In her mind, darker hairis equivalent to a darker mood. She’s on to something, but in my case, she has itbackwards. I’mbest at hiding my depression when I’m blonde. When I’m brunette, I feel authentic. I literally let alittle more of my darker side show. When I’m blonde, I’mbubbly, social and easy to get along with. When I’m blonde, I’m the face ofsmilingdepression.
WhatisSmiling Depression?
Smiling depression involves appearing happy to others and smiling through the pain, keeping the inner turmoil hidden. It’s a major depressive disorder with atypical symptoms, and as a result, many don’t know they’redepressed or don’t seek help. People with smiling depressionare oftenpartnered or married, employed and are quite accomplished and educated. Theirpublic, professional and social lives are not struggling. Their façade isput togetherandaccomplished.
But behind the mask and behind closed doors, theirminds are filled with thoughts of worthlessness, inadequacy and despair. They’veusually struggled with depression and/or debilitating anxiety for years andhave had some experience with therapy or medication. Many don’t disclose their depression due to fear of discrimination fromloved ones or employers. “Oftentimes, I am the only person in this individual’simmediate circle who is aware of how he or she is feeling on the inside,” saidDina Goldstein Silverman, Ph.D., a licensed psychologist and assistantprofessor of psychiatry.
Whyis it dangerous?
According to Silverman, there’s a troubling connectionbetween smiling depression and suicide. In contrast with a patient who haslittle energy to even get out of bed, chronically depressed patients who report a surge of energy might be more likely to initiate asuicide attempt. Significant traumatic life changes—such as a recentjob loss or divorce—are often predictors of suicide attempts, particularly inmen. In some cases, having young children or being devoutly religious may serveas protective factors. But many of us know exceptions to that.
One of the deaths that shocked my community the mostwas the suicide of a Sunday school teacher and youth counselor. Active in ourchurch and several nonprofits, he mentored many and loved connecting people.Was he disheveled, withdrawn and a downer to be around? Absolutely not. He wasencouraging, thoughtful and went out of his way to attend and organize events.Often in a suit and always put together, he was who we aspired to be when wegrew up. Did we ever ask him how he was doing, if he was hurting or if heneeded someone to listen tohimforonce? No. We bought in to the façade and couldn’t see the pain hiding under the surface.
His life was one-of-a-kind, butunfortunately hisstory is not. Many who havefelt the impact ofa friend’s suicide say the samething: “I had no idea he was suffering. He was the last person I wouldhave expected to do this.”
Howcan we help?
Create awareness to de-stigmatize mental illness
Many people struggling with smiling depression areperfectionists, or they don’t want to appear weak or out of control. The morewe can shift the conversation to show positive role models living with depression—those who advocate for the mix of therapy, exercise, medication, sleep,diet—the less shame and stigma will be associated with it.
Paymore attention to your loved ones (especially the warning signs)
If you have a friend who suddenly stops responding tophone calls or texts or cancels plans, don’t hesitate to ask them what’s going onand if they’re feeling okay. Let them know that they are heard and are not alone. Also, it’s vital to notice if a loved one begins giving away possessions (often a symptom thatsomeone is considering suicide), or begins to isolate and withdraw.
“As atherapist, I try to encourage [my patients] to develop authentic social relationships, so he or she can experience the relief of being heard, understoodand validated by friends and loved ones, and build genuine connections,”Silverman said.
Ifyou think you might be depressed:
On the dayswhen your brain seems to be fighting you for your life, remember thatyou are enough, you are worthy, you areloved and you are not alone.
Find activities and pursuits that are meaningfulto you and make you feel productive and accomplished. Try your best to be present in these activities. Silverman says that “mindfulness is the opposite of perfectionismin that it focuses on a balance without judgment, and it’s an important set ofskills that someone can learn in therapy.”
Reach out to someone you trust and consider contacting a therapist. Let these influential roles in your life help you to create a more positive state of mind. Rather than become “submerged in avortex of negative, self-defeating thoughts,” Silverman encourages her patientsto learn self-compassion. Above all, please don’t give up. Please don’t let depression win.You are not alone.
** A variation of this blog previously appeared on The Mighty http://themighty.com/2016/05/smiling-depression-what-you-need-to-know/
Laura is a writer and non-profit fundraiser who lives in Dallas. She has a journalism degree from Texas A&M University, and is active in The Writer’s Path at Southern Methodist University. Laura loves music and travel, and tries to combine the two whenever possible. She’s also mildly obsessed with her 2-year-old Corgi mix, Corbin. If Aaron Sorkin wrote it, she’s probably quoted it. Never met a pun she didn’t like. Read more from Laura at https://betweengriefandhighdelight.com