When Your Parents Have Mental Illness: Healing Childhood Trauma

By Phyllis Rittner | Feb. 21, 2018

 

As a mental health advocate, I've listened to many brave souls share their stories about living with mental illness. I've also chatted with concerned parents who are seeking help for their recently diagnosed child. But what do you do if you have a mental illness, and you were raised by parents who also have mental illness?

Maybe you’re a young adult still living at home or maybe, like me, you've been on your own for some time. Maybe you’ve spent your childhood watching your mother or father struggle with anxiety, depression or obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD).

My dad suffered from what I now know was severe OCD with psychotic delusions, and my mom struggled with depression and dependent personality disorder (DPD). But in 1970, I had never heard the words “mental illness.” Ashamed and frightened, I was convinced no one would believe me, so I hid my chaotic home life from everyone.

I was the family mediator, calming down a frightened father and comforting a sad, lonely mother. I lived in a permanent state of hyper-vigilance, constantly attuned to my father's erratic moods and my mother's helplessness. Determined to please them at all costs, I became obsessed with fitting in. I blamed myself for my new-school-nerves, my bed-wetting, my lack of focus; I convinced myself I was defective or different from other kids.

For years, this self-shaming helped me dismiss my father's abuse and mother's neglect. As a young woman, I chose to stay close to my emotionally unavailable, controlling partners and swallowed my needs to gain their approval. I repeated this pattern until my late-40s when I found myself in a paralyzing depression while living with a man who behaved just like my father.

It took a skilled therapist to help me realize that, due to my childhood trauma, I was suffering from complex posttraumatic stress disorder (C-PTSD), and that I was unconsciously replaying a familiar father/daughter dynamic. When I finally accepted the truth about my parents' mental illnesses, I realized that the shame and perfectionism that helped me survive my childhood was no longer useful. So, I started learning and practicing daily self-soothing and mind/body techniques to alleviate my symptoms. Soon, I could let go of several toxic relationships, a demeaning job and even start my own business.

I still live with C-PTSD, but now I can recognize my triggers and thought patterns and practice self-compassion. I speak publicly about my experiences and what others can do if they’re in a similar situation. So, what can you do if you grew up with parents or siblings experiencing mental illness, or in a family with a history of abuse or neglect?

Seek Help

If you’re a teen, you can reach out to your school's guidance counselor, a teacher, relative or friend. Books can also be great resources; I recommend “I'm Not Alone.” Adults may want to find a therapist who specializes in trauma. Internal Family Systems or IFS, is a treatment modality that addresses all parts of ourselves, including the unhealthy behaviors and thoughts that “kept us safe” throughout traumatic childhoods. For example, my need to play the family mediator and be perfect. These were necessary behaviors when I was young, but they aren’t vital for my survival anymore.

Learn to Self-Soothe

Self-soothing is very individualized. Enjoying a delicious meal, listening to your favorite song, sipping tea in fuzzy pajamas or finding a fun hobby you can commit to weekly are all self-soothing activities.

Is Your Family History Repeating Itself?

Are you a people pleaser? Do you avoid conflict? If you’re engaging in a frustrating/painful dynamic with a friend, lover or coworker, ask yourself if you might be repeating a relationship pattern from your past. These patterns can be broken. With the help of a skilled therapist and careful awareness, you can identify and stop participating in abusive relationship dynamics.

Engage in Healthy Relationships

Healthy relationships have an equal balance of power. Try to engage with people who make you feel safe and respected, who listen well and are emotionally available. Shared vulnerability is true intimacy.

Calm Mind, Calm Body

The mind-body connection is real. Studies show that negative thoughts or feelings can actual create changes in our brain chemistry and even affect our immune, digestive and other physiological systems. There are a variety of mind-body practices to choose from to calm an anxious mind, including meditation and yoga. 

Finding and Coping with Triggers

Everything may be going smoothly and suddenly, you find yourself furious, panicky or tearful and you don't know why. Your physical body may be reacting to an old trauma trigger even though your current situation is not life-threatening. Connecting with others, using grounding techniques, noticing and observing feelings without judgment—these are all techniques that can bring you back to the present moment of comfort and safety. I've found Emotional Freedom Techniques (EFT) especially helpful for physical symptoms or fearful thoughts.

Let Self-Compassion Replace Self-Judgment

As a child, shame and self-judgment probably protected you when you couldn't protect yourself. Thank your shame for protecting you and ask it to please step back. Your childhood was not your fault. It is now safe to love yourself. Go ahead and compassionately do so.

 

Phyllis Rittner is a NAMI In Our Own Voice presenter, where she speaks publicly about her experiences to schools, corporations, providers and families. Watch Phyllis' PTSD story at This is My Brave Boston. She is the creator of Broadway Seated Dance, a music and dance program for senior citizens. She is also an actor, playwright and belly dancer.

Comments
Robbie
Thank you for sharing your story. I have C-PTSD due to childhood abuse & my parents' were in a cult that trafficked me. My father was a functional alcoholic & my mother was a narcissistic sociopath. I also suffered abuse from an older brother & sister. I have found it extremely difficult to find good trauma informed therapists especially who don't expect me to pay an extremely high amount per session because they don't except my insurance. Unfortunately, I'm living below poverty level although I work as much as I can & get Social Security disability. I live in central Texas. I'm just wondering if you have any advice on finding & affording treatment? Its frustrating that there is so much compassion for certain disabilities & help for some but those of us who've suffered severe childhood abuse but are now adults are expected to be okay & functional when help was never provided.
7/1/2018 4:47:22 PM

Nancy
I recently had my son in law into our family. it was so difficult to accept him into our family. His mother did not take care of him due to mental illness. my husband realized his teeth had been a problem. The dental evaluated his teeth and diagnosed my son in law with depression as well. His teeth has been ignored. It costed over four thousand. Finally his able to get his teeth in good shape. On top of his digestive problem. His mother ignored to take care
of him. He suffered from anxiety as well. My husband recently hired him then
realized they were things missing at the Cleaners. Over three thousand been stolen. We could not understand that reaction. later he confessed taking it. he

He told me once he was living homeless. I am trying to figure out my son in law. He told me his father almost killed him. He suffered from abuse from his father. Then taking care of grandmother when he was eight. I will close with
this much. Anyone reading this mental illness can be helped if you detect it early. I’m still trying to get the answers I need to help my son in law. Don’t ignore this. I hope you understand my personal story about my son in law.
6/24/2018 6:18:59 AM

Maria
Does NAMI offer support groups or therapy to the minor children of a mentally ill parent in 2018? Or are they still out in the cold, the way they were when I needed help for my kids 10 years ago? You gave me the brush-off in no uncertain terms then and made it clear that they were of no interest to your organization. My husband and his mental illness - sure. His behavior that was detrimental to myself and our kids was of no concern to you.
6/21/2018 11:49:06 AM

Sharon T.
Thank you for your service. I was shattered, physically, mentally, and emotionally when my adult daughter estranged herself and my two grandsons from me. She and my grandsons are my only family. It’s my first thought when I awaken and my last thought at night. This was 7 years ago. I was not a monster but I was an alcoholic mother. I have been sober for 18 years. I am still grieving. I have followed all the suggestions and done everything I can do to try to move forward with my life, to no avail. Somehow this article made its way to me. It had never occurred to me that my brokenness could have been caused by PTSD. Now what?
4/18/2018 9:03:19 PM

Ciera g. Williams
What are the causes effects and treatments for c-ptsd and what’s the home remedy for to ease the disorder
3/30/2018 11:22:46 PM

Jacqueline Lewis
Thanks for sharing your story. I can definitely relate on some levels. Currently I've been enrolled in a eight-week group therapy on generational trauma.
Recovering and healing old wounds has been a long - continuing journey.
I'm grateful that I choose to get professional assintance. I also completed a long- term group therapy for cognitive behavior for effective emotion management. I'm very happy for you that you made the great decision to get help. Healing old wounds and managing emotional health is complex. I have discovered it's worth the effort and the investment to improve my emotional health. I also have PTSD
learning new helpful information is awesome.
3/6/2018 12:47:34 PM

Gayle
My father had borderline personality disorder. Now my sister has it. Every time my sister behaves from the bpd it brings me back to my father
3/5/2018 6:25:45 AM

DANIEL WASSERMAN
2/22/18. Thank you so much for this very thorough, meaningful and personal account. I was aware of a few of the Healing modalities you mentioned here; but also, happily, saw a few that I will now research in n my own, or with the help of the NAMI Website. A great my educational piece, so again-----thank you again for this great sharing of information and experience.
2/22/2018 11:54:30 PM

chris
My name is Chris. I suffer from i guess various mental health problems. It *****s. But you know what, talking about it helps, drawing helps. Staying sober from marijuana helps.

But look, the reality is, I need to get my ***** together. My parents can only support me for so long. I understand I've had a major setback in life, (I can identify with schizophrenics identified in their early 20s) but i really need to start making some money and become independent.

Although I like others and frustrated with the mental health care, as it seems everyone else is.

One thing I learned is that even back in the 70s people were waiting for treatment, meaning waiting for scientist to come to a new breakthrough that would fix their kids or themselves. Sadly it seems their is not.

Hopefully in the coming future, meaning the next two years, with private companies bringing stem cell technology to the masses, we will heal.

Chris
2/22/2018 11:53:52 PM

Deborah Windham
Thanks for the article. I know for certain that I will stop putting off finding a counselor.
2/22/2018 2:20:53 PM

Pauline Zaimah
I need to know how I can get my son from under the Guardianship all they want to do is keep him dope up and locked up!
2/22/2018 10:39:42 AM

Pauline Zaimah
I need to know how I can get my son from under the Guardianship all they want to do is keep him dope up and locked up!
2/22/2018 10:39:17 AM

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